Ikigai, the famous japanese term that means ‘reason for being’, and it’s the first time I experienced any connection with the literal meaning of the word. I have almost..always had answers to why I do what I do. In my head I am absolutely clear when I am making those choices, but somewhere down the line, there are times when things begin to change and I realized I am not prepared with a plan B or C or D. I seldom do not follow through on my plan, even if it were to change, I go along happily because it’s just so very hard to leave what I started midway, unfinished. It’s like I can’t function without closures.
Life was in a very tough spot with work and almost everything I had chosen for myself, that’s when the world started changing. Thanks to covid -19, nothing is ever going back to what it was before. I went through my share of concerns and safety issues but thankfully I couldn’t soak it in, the magnanimity of fate standing in the face of the world. I was deep down, crawling in my own abyss, thinking of ways to break free, see some light. I was trying with every ounce of energy left in my body which refused to get up from bed every morning, and continued through the day as if nothing had happened. This constant battle between the head and the heart was wearing me out. That’s when I knew I had to quit. Step back. Pause. Probably take a sabbatical (I almost did for half a year after I returned from China in December 2019, though not by choice, by circumstances). With pressing responsibilities and being fully aware of my own needs and likings, I had chosen to step out of my workplace with determination after completing this outdoor season. While I would leave the four walls of the office, I would not leave behind what I did on my playground, which for me is the outdoors, my actual place of work. That’s where I have felt the most alive in my last seven years,ever since I started working as an outdoor educator. I was so looking forward to visiting my favourite mountains this time, as somehow it felt like I would take a while to get back to them after this year.
And bam.. The new normal happened. It’s been 85 days since I am homebound, a first full summer at home after 7 good years. Somehow i quickly progressed to realizing I had to do something, I couldn’t be just sitting home not having a plan. After the season, I was going to look at full time work opportunities, so that’s what I looked for. I saw a relevant opportunity and thought,”I would fit in good, also this looks exciting, I am going to write an email and then forget about it.” I had no experience in applying for full time positions before. This was my first. I got a reply the next day and after about 45 days, I had my offer letter. I waited another 30 days until it all started. My outdoor classroom was now going to change to an indoor one. For that to happen efficiently, the entire team had to go through a month long training before we could actually begin work. I constantly kept thinking about being an educator albeit within the walls throughout this course. Something I never thought I was ready for. Everything I jump into, I do with full confidence and enthusiasm. So this is exactly how I went to virtual class everyday since 14th May to learn, plan, meet colleagues and figure out how to manage to do a job I am quite new at, in a ‘virtual’ setting. I have been overwhelmed, underslept and overworked for the last three weeks and today, on my 21st day, I finally had my Aha! Moment. Not in class though. In the kitchen. I have been spending most of the hours I am awake, infront of my laptop, so practically visits to the kitchen have only been to get food and water. And food I love, so this saturday, my tastebuds overtook my compulsion to finish work. After attending a webinar in which the facilitator mentioned it was a saturday evening almost thrice, I so badly wanted food that would satiate my soul. Hunger in my stomach and ideas causing my mouth to water, I decided to make a traditional sweet dish that I had been craving for since holi. It’s my absolute favorite and takes a lot of time, precision and effort to make the version I like. After almost 11 hours of official work, I stepped in the kitchen. My brain frenzied into a mission which I later realised was my learning target for the day. I quickly got hold of materials that were needed and got to work. I started the process about 40 minutes later than planned and in my head I was already worrying about not being able to serve dinner on time. The recipe for this dish is simple, just longish time-wise.
Knead the dough, make rolls
Cook it under pressure and allow it to cool
Grind it
Roast it
Mix other ingredients to enhance flavour
Shape them into balls / ovoids
Enjoy
Interestingly all of these processes have rules or protocols like most dishes in the kitchen, but the word protocols stayed back in my head. I kept thinking about how small things that we do on a daily basis have a way of being done, and a discipline that is imbibed in the art of completing any chosen task. I kept connecting little steps of what I was doing, to concepts I was learning in class, and it was only when I was in the roasting stage that I had my Aha! Moment. In that moment of awakening, I realised, This is it. This is what I have been doing for the last 20 days. I have been internalizing protocols, systems, disciplines. I have been gathering knowledge, putting myself under immense pressure out of choice and developing a fondness for this work. I am grinding everything I have done under the sun to make learning happen at school. The roasting stage was more challenging than other stages. The ground matter needed the right amount of slow and sustained by evenly spread heat to get fully cooked and crisped to give the laddoos a granulated texture and feel. It reminded me of the different aspects that come together and that are needed to be planned while bringing out the learning in any class, specially expeditionary learning. My brain went back and forth with all the curriculum words and what it meant to be able to apply the design principles for a non biased, high quality, authentic work to be produced by the students you teach. How you think of every possible situation beforehand and are prepared to handle it all in class.
The roasting was at the same intensifying the constant ache in my shoulder due to my rotator cuff injury, so I fixed it by sitting on the kitchen platform, grandma style to ease it out. I realised my version of this dish was actually a barget I had set for myself and being able to produce this high quality, authentic work came from the standards grandma set for this dish. So naturally my head wouldn’t stop persevering till I knew I did it all in my capacity to make it happen. Once I knew I had put in my best, I began to calm down. Also realizing all these exact words of process, come alive into a simple act of trying to cook soul food made me realise, maybe this is it. Never have I ever before given myself 21 full days to submerge in an experience so powerful, like diving in a sea of knowledge, research, reading, collaborating with people I know only on the screen, producing real time work that would affect young kids all throughout the year, developing friendships, taking charge, ownership all at once. I felt so empowered in that split second and all the chaos suddenly made sense. My sense of purpose and belonging is so very powerful even when I write this. I feel renewed with energy and a solid purpose. A purpose which is above me and my world. It’s like my passion, my love for facilitation has found a channel to flourish. I am convinced I am good at this because people have told me that. And I have enough evidence to say that the world needs good educators, facilitators specially children (atleast I believe so). The plus side, this is also going to pay me. I began to see how this is all connected. How this was meant to happen. Maybe this is my Ikigai? . My convergence of four primary elements.
I remember writing about my experience after having completed a diploma in experiential education about five years ago. Then, I had no clue I was eventually going to choose teaching as a full time profession. My mentor commented saying,”Love the way you have described the space, and what it is doing to you. I am happy you have that space, and I wish it for others as well. I wonder if it’s like trust. Only when you gave yourself to it, did it choose to become that for you.
What I am allowing myself to do right now is bringing me closer to my Ikigai. I can feel it to the bones. The sense of purpose, the righteousness of cause, a team that has given me the space to get immersed and accepted, the perfectly matching outdoor experience to drive the indoor learning home. I think my teacher is right, that I am in a good place and I must stay here. I must remember to keep my doors open. To not think I know it all. To keep the spirit of discovery (Oh wow, really) alive. To practice everything I have learnt, make mistakes and good ones, to always stay in the conversation. With others, with myself.
Dim yellow lights, rock music, foosball, playing five in a row – a different version of the board game sequence, reminds of me of some game I learnt when I was little. Around me are my colleagues from new work place, I have known them for five days now, half of the time training for work ahead and other half aligning my head and body to a new environment. It’s kind of nice to have a space all to myself. I remember I have wanted to live this for as long as I can remember. And it happens now, when I am almost at the end of my twenties. It’s such a mixed feeling. At one side, I feel completely aware of my realities, time, age, family, work and on the other I feel my adventurous self just as strong, wanting to go rogue every night, waking up sleepless, but knowing each person better, exploring new places with as much intensity that it totally blindens me with its bright light, hidden waters and tunes unheard of before.
Today feels like déjà vu, like I have lived this moment over a hundred times before the only difference being those times were in my head. I remember, I only thought of shadows of people never faces, which now have faces and smiles from all over the world. China was NOT on my travel list at all, and this happens to be my first real international trip. I already feel at home. I don’t know what it is. Is the place, or the people, or the sense of freedom, or just the fact of being away from familiarity.
I know all of one person here from before and I must say, that certainly did help me to settle in. I am listening to stories from across the globe but at this moment, it doesn’t matter where each one of us is from. Right now we are people who came together by chance and decided to have fun together. No race, no color, no bar of any material or political kind, no cultural barriers, no holding of expectations, but each one being so mindful of themselves and also others. I wonder if this is the case everytime you meet a bunch of people from different countries in a completely different country.
My brain is so lit right now with ideas and life, that I think I want to put them all out and then I am not even sure if they will do justice to what I am really feeling. It’s very similar to liking the feeling of being in love. There’s a certain kind of calm that spreads like a warm cozy blanket, ready to cover you in whatever you chose to do. And also like a flowing river, going at its own pace, going around pebbles, enjoying the view, but never stopping.
My time here as just begun and I can’t even begin to imagine what a close to 75 days in a huge country will be like. I know for certain, there’s only one way to find out and I am game for it.
I feel happy tonight that I allowed myself to take this on and live the dream for real.
The only way something new can enter your life is when something else makes space for it with its departure. Not exit. New feelings, new ideas, new people, new mentors, new places, new books, new perspectives, new principles of detachment, love, friendship. Letting go by its very own nature, is difficult. You cannot stop what’s leaving you. No matter how dear, how important you think that piece is in your life. Like love, if it’s meant to come to you, it will, in its own time, in its own way, unannounced, and surprise you with all its might and warmth.
As I write this, I am overlooking the Himalayas in Himachal Pradesh, grey clouds towering the snow clad peaks, the sun slowly setting behind, leaving a pinkish tone in the evening sky. It’s cold, the breeze has stopped blowing since it drizzled a while back and I can hear clear chirping of the mountain birds in the background. I see houses scattered at distance from each other, and some clusters of families living in the same wooden houses since decades. Smoke emanating from their chimneys as cooking gas is still not available to villagers here. Everything around is still. Even the leaves on the thousands of trees I see all around. Not a sound of a human, or sight of a vehicle to break my trance. I feel I am here, and at the same time I feel I am not. There is no sense of attachment to place, person or time. Like the day is passing by as it does every single day, and the wheel of evolution is at play. Every being is playing the part they were selected for, and eventually everything will fade with nightfall. Like that aged lady who is staring out from her window sill. Wearing the traditional dress of the state, long brass earrings, freckled skin, tanned with years of demanding mountain life, and the timeless beauty in her eyes, gleaming with years of wisdom, and raising three generations that live in the same house. Her face blank, her gaze not changing direction. Almost like a picture on a post card. Frozen in time. Living in the here and now. Taking each day, one at a time. No remorse of the past, no worries of the future. A sly smile on her face.
I think I am slowly learning to let go. Of things I feel I own, of people whom I cherish, of relationships that weigh me down, of expectations that cause hurt and pain, of hopes that shatter when they don’t fall in place. This I think is a phase of metamorphing into the unknown. Welcoming change without being particularly affected, dealing with the affect with a fresh perspective. I spent the last four months hooked to an idea , to a change that I felt was a sign from some super power. And it blew away in a minute with nothing in my control. I haven’t spent a day not thinking about what did not fall in place for something I tried so hard for. Except today. Today as I write about it, I feel nothing. No tears, no drama, no lows. I think I am letting go of it , or probably I have.
I believe it will come to me when I am ready to receive it. When I am ready to deal with it the way it will change my world. When I am ready to process the experience in nature’s timeline. When I have built enough skill set and strength to overcome the challenges that may come my way. When I am truly ready to make space for new experiences, people and place. When I am ready to accept the pace of my life. When I have reached a point where my time is right. Till then, I intend to live, learn, evolve.
Sitting in the lap of middle Himalayas, in the village of Gyandhura, at Shaama in the Munsiyari region of Uttarakhand surrounded by the greater Himalayas, looking at the peaks of Nanda Devi, Nanda Khot, Panchachuli and Nepal himalayas, I look at the horizon in the sunlit sky. The sky hasn’t changed color since sunrise and it’s pristine blue and clear. Overlooking the ramganga valley on the other side, the curvy dried remains of the river, slowly edging up into mountains on the sides. Every time I turn to look somewhere,I see layers and layers of mountains, one behind the other. Behind me are farms of wheat, potato, plum, mulberry and apples. The villages are terraced patterned, with cattle grazing in the farms, sunbathing in the corner. Kids as young as six and seven, walking miles to go to the school. Saree clad women waking up at four in the morning to fill water from the water source, feeding cattle, making food, working in farms, their men working on farms all day long, walking downhill to the market to fetch supplies for the day or weeks together, young lads carrying red colored cooking gas cylinders on their shoulders and walking uphill for an hour to their homes, wearing all but chappals and worn out clothes. Their skin tanned from years of being exposed to the extreme weather, their faces devoid of emotions. When they smile, you can already see freckles on their faces and hopes in their eyes. Every time you have a conversation with them, their humility will leave you mesmerized. They are gracious enough to offer you a modest meal of chapati, sabzi, matha ( a thinner version of lassi ), and the lip smacking chutney made from mint leaves,tamarind and poppy leaves. This you don’t want to stop eating!
The quiet this place offers is the exact
therapy you need , when you think of running away from the stale chaos of city
lives. It’s serene, silent, scented with the fragrance of unknown wild flowers,
with cold breeze blowing all day. No connectivity with the world outside, you
cant see vehicles, or even the road, no cables, no wires, no electricity, no newspapers, no radio. The
only connection with the world outside is the information one receives through
word of mouth when people walk uphill from the market area at the base of the
hill. People here live from hand to mouth. One day at a time. Their needs
minimal, their dreams modest, love in their hearts and unfaltering faith in
god.
Once you experience life here, there are
two things that will remain with you for life. First, you begin to realise that
the view is indeed the best after a hard climb, and second, the mountains teach
you humility. Their might, their strength, their spread on land reminds you of
how little you are and how little are the worries that weigh you down. Our time
here on earth is numbered and we can’t really afford losing it out on the
pettiness of worldly affairs. The only way to make it all count for ourselves
is to decide how and with whom we want to spend our time with. Our journey from
womb to tomb is singular, it’s what happens in between that remains in the
spirit of life.
I wonder why does it take going away from somewhere to find what you really want, to find the courage to voice your thoughts. I crave to find this belonging in the urban lives, and probably that’s why I want to be able to get most people, specially kids to experience the might of the mountains and the humility of travel.
This is my fourth trip here, and every time I come back to the city, the spirit of the mountains stays. I am praying for it to stay longer this time. I love the person I become when I am here, and to be able to live this version of myself is the only thing I long for. The only lesson I keep revisiting during my time here is the fact that this too shall pass.
It’s nearing midnight. She can hear the faint purring of the air conditioner in the room. The fan on the ceiling has her eyes. She stares hard , upwards. Without blinking her eyes. Her chest heaves up and down with every gulp of air she inhales and exhales. The room is still. There’s no other sound. The bedside lamp is just the right amount of bright and balances the darkness in the room. Her eyes are fixed on the ceiling. Her thoughts coming back to singularity after circling the deepest mater of her head and her heart.
The void, the hollow space, a ring, a circle, the maze, a rope, a knot, a diary, a pen, lights, shadows, voices, glasses, cellphones, stairs, trash, death, after life, void again, hollow, dark, cold, silence. Her thoughts keep moving from one to another like a butterfly hopping from one flower to another sucking nectar. She could hear her say, “Breathe. Slow down. Sip some water”. And her breathing evened. She was aware of what was happening to her. Where she was letting her thoughts take her. She thought of the reasons why she chose what she did. And her choice of struggle. And she smiled. She smiled, knowing that she had it in her to give what it takes to get where she wanted. And today was just another day. And it would be soon forgotten in the history of time. Like all other days, however good or bad they were.
Today was heavy. Overwhelming. She thought she had taken on more than she could handle. She wanted to cringe in a corner. She wanted to scream at the pain in her chest. She wanted to walk away and never look back. She wanted to disappear and not be found. She wanted to quit. Today she wanted to quit.
Today she did not want a hand to hold, Or a shoulder to cry. Today she did not need a hug or a reassurance that it was going to be okay. Today she smiled when she broke down. And she lifted herself up, but only after allowing herself to let go of what really put her down.
She graced through the downfall and made it to the other side. Without regrets. Without strings of attachment , without ties. The day passed by like any other and the darkness fell with a full moon shining bright in the night sky. She knew it was important to allow herself to feel what was happening inside her. For that was the only truest form of self acceptance she knew. And once she accepted the person she is, everything else took a backseat. The struggle was hers. The denial was hers. The acceptance was hers. The void in her chest was hers. She was all of it. And she embraced it with love. As the fan continued spinning, she promised to love herself more. She promised to care for her soul and give it all the time it needed to heal. She promised to let go of it all, a step before it broke her forever. And now she was free. Free to live another day, flow with time, mould into forms that pleased her, and let go of the angst. Let go of the threads that limited her. Her breathing became more slower, more deeper, more relaxed.
Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow, there will be a new sun. Tomorrow the void will be a little smaller.
The trench is deep and dark and cold,
They swim and swim in their abode,
The shore is out there, in the distance,
Shining, bright and chirpy in a glance,
The water is still and yet they sway,
Wrapped into each other they say,
This is where we belong ,
In the depths of the ocean,
Where we can’t be found,
For the land is not ours to keep,
We can’t be us amongst the peeps,
Arm in arm they flutter,
Exploring their haven,
They can’t stay still,
For they will quiver,
The crest beneath often shakes,
Their lives here are at stake,
The fire within is infallible,
And so is the love in their eyes,
Everytime they look at each other,
They know they belong together,
With a million dreams they float,
With the waters echoing their gloat,
Here the sun doesn’t rise
Nor does it set,
The crude chill tries to break the spell,
Hand in hand they float,
Trotting through the trench even more,
Breaking the barriers
Outside and within,
But oh my love, they realise
The trench is deeper than their lives.
It’s almost one half of the year since the summer has passed and I already feel the pangs rising in my heart. I dismissed this feeling last month thinking maybe it’s just the overwhelming weather, and the fact that I have been missing the sun too much. Little did I know then, until I found myself surrounded by mountains and the dense forests at Dehradun few weeks back, sheerly out of spontaneous agreeing to a training program. This one way journey of almost 1700 kilometers did not wear me out, except for the uncomfortable bus ride. But all in all, it was worth the effort. As my car was moving towards my destination, I could very quickly see how that road left the concrete structures behind and the view changed to green mountain tops , and valleys, with rivers full of gushing waters. This instantly spread a calm on my mind and heart and I felt the ease creeping in. Just like the curtains draw and open on the stage during performances.
That’s the exact moment when I realized that these past few months were spent missing the mountains. All through the summer I was in the Himalayas, trekking and hiking through forests and the snow clad ranges. Nothing gives me as much peace as being up on the hills. They simply seem to pull me back together. All the chaos in the head suddenly fades out with the chirping of the birds at dawn and the first rays of the sun inspire me to leave my sleeping bag and soak in the morning colors with a hot cup of chai on a cold, windy day. It helps me find my internal grounding. My head automatically starts filtering the negatives and the acceptance of their presence doesn’t feel heavy anymore. I am okay to talk about my shortcomings and I begin to objectively look at people and their behaviors. I become more forgiving in my relationships. I know everyone is fighting their own battles and I want to be mindful about it.
Once you are up on the mountains, your only task is to go uphill with the entire group, ensuring everyone is safe. Any incident or mishap can pull back the efforts of the entire group and that can be quite painful. Everything from carrying your own rucksack, to fetching water for survival, managing carbon footprints, following L – n – T ( Leave no trace ), preparing meals, disposing waste, sleeping , night watching , every human activity takes a lot of effort and will to sustain against the constantly changing climate and dealing with people who are so vividly different than you. It is highly demanding physically, emotionally and socially. Plus the awareness of the fact that one faulty move and all that you and others have built will come crashing down, the stakes are pretty high. Operating in such a high pressure state can often wear you out, and that’s precisely where the beauty of the mountains give you the strength and the courage to keep going.
I have come across a lot of people who live in villages in the remotest of the locations, who still walk miles to fetch clean, drinkable water, who don’t have electricity in their homes, whose children have never seen or even known a shopping mall, who eat what they sow in the fields and who die without any regrets in life. Hiking gave me plenty of opportunities to interact with the people on our side of the world. When I listen to their stories, I wonder what keeps them going, why they never look tired, what drives them day and night to love the mountains no matter how hard their life gets. They have all unanimously said the same thing. The mountains protect them, they teach them everything they know about life. That they cannot imagine a life, without this constant companion. That, they consider themselves truly blessed to be able to harness the excellent health and wealth without any adulterations and they need no more. This has taught me considering a minimalist life, which I am yet far from achieving, but I hope to get there someday.
We millennials find our high when we trek to these gorgeous peaks and experience the outdoors, precisely in the mountains! Hiking has become the most sought after “experience” to invest in, for our generation and rightly so. I wonder why did this begin for me and now I am beginning to see what it does to others too. Knowingly or unknowingly we tend to find inspiration wherever we go. When we meet new people, talk to old friends, look upto our parents, teachers, watch movies, read about celebrities, surf the internet and instantly, we see if it excites us to be able to replicate it, in our own way. And then begins a frenzy , spreading to lanes, towns, cities, states, countries and across the globe. Every single attempt is directed to finding meaning in life. And this as I see, is the same attempt that we make in climbing mountains, spending hours of walking on rocky terrains in the scorching heat leaving behind well furbished comfort of our offices and homes. What inspires the millennials to live out of their bags, in rags, go unbathed for days, without cellular network that in our city lives looks impossible? The answer lies in the simple fact that at the heart of everything that we do, we want to operate from a space of freedom. The freedom to choose, the freedom to talk, the freedom to sleep, the freedom to make our own rules, the freedom to dream , and this is what hiking up that mountain makes you experience.
My time at Dehradun was short, and I came back to my city life even before I could fully take in the bliss of being surrounded by the mountains. And I am finding myself counting days till summer is back, because they will take me back to the wilderness , where I find my belonging, where I am the most closest to myself. Hiking and mountains are slowly becoming my way of life.
“The year on the calendar is about to change and so are a lot of things in my life,”she said out loud, just before she heard the song change and she stopped in her track ,looking at her phone that was put on shuffle mode. “ I wish I could leave you my love , but my ‘heart is a mess…… “ On evenings like these, she would often confine herself to the dark comfort of her apartment she had recently moved into. After years of longing and wanting to be on her own,she finally managed to pack herself into half a dozen suitcases and move to the city of her dreams. About four hours away from hometown, this place offered her fresh air to breathe and silenced the demons inside her.
There was something ethereal in this place that instantly made her feel more in control of herself, her thoughts and it seemed to her that she would be able to find her own way out moving forward. Her work was going fine and moving here, opened up new possibilities. She knew a lot of people here, but they were yet to enter her closer circle. Or rather, vice versa. She was very conscious of giving herself the time to settle into this place and made sure she did not act on an impulse like she had in the past. Her day started fairly early which she seemed to enjoy as it gave her more relaxed and energetic beginnings in the day. She had taken up running and yoga on alternate days, something that she had always avoided earlier. She loved cooking a hearty breakfast which she happily gorged on before driving off to work or to the co-working space to brainstorm ideas with her friends on a new project. Her days took her to some of the best places in the city which included open libraries, cafes, pet cafes, parks and equal streets and breweries. She found herself living on this spectrum, one side of which was full of social interactions and then there was side of being all by herself and re-energizing in the solitude. To her, those were the extremes she realized she needed for her own sanity.
The black curtains in her bedroom, from ceiling to the floor barely allowed the city lights to reach her room. Her minimalist bedroom only had a small coy bed, a huge warm blanket, a wooden coffee table in the balcony with two chairs, a standing vase in one corner and roped yellow bulb lamps hanging from the ceiling in the other corners. A shelf for books, a double wardrobe, a separate cupboard for shoes and bags is what contradicted her minimalist furniture in the house per say, but well, she knew she still had to fix a few things in her head. This evening, she put her phone aside, switched on the shuffle mode in the music player and began cleaning up the kitchen, arranging the jars and labeling them, when she heard this song play, it brought back so many memories of the past. From her childhood to college. Her parents silent understanding of her need for this shift, her farewell party, her last conversation with the girls, to the goodbyes that were never said, to the heartbreaks, to the lies,to the travels. It channeled a tide of emotions inside her chest. These were the experiences that made her into the person she was today. She was fortunate to have had feedback all along the way, some of them hurt, but eventually helped her grow in her spirit of life.
There was this time which led to a lot of heartache for she felt everything so deeply. The song took her back to that time. Then, it felt like the world did not understand her, but it was only after moving away from comfort of the known that she realised that may be, she still needs to figure this one out. Being able to feel things deeply did help her in many ways and in many ways it also did screw her over. She was on this journey to channelize her deepest feelings into her strengths and she knew it would take as long as it would and the only way to deal with it is to walk with it. And not let momentary illusions and slips take away what she had built for herself. She had gotten into a habit of not sharing her deepest thoughts with anyone over the years and she wanted to change it. Practicing letting go and accepting herself the way she is, did most of the job , but she was on a quest for something more. Something that was undefined. Like she was looking for something, without an understanding of what that something looked and felt like. That it was bound to come her way unannounced and to be able to welcome the change, she wanted to be on her own. She almost felt like she was going through “nodus tollens” again, except this time it is accompanied with hope and love.
She poured her favourite bourbon in a crystal glass and walked to the balcony, looking at the tiny yellow lights covering the city. She put on her headphones and drifted away listening to
It was that time of the night when all she needed to be in, was in her favorite corner, next to her lamp. Staring at the walls, she looked at the date on the calendar. The eight month of the year, every year since, she circled this date, red. She felt the moment, she was in the here and now. No thoughts came to her mind. All she could see was the date in a red circle. This year, had been a year of closures. Closures that would get her to move on. Closures that would allow new chapters in her life. Closures that would let go off the pain that was sinking in deep. Closures that would give her life a new meaning. Closures that might help her forgive herself.
Her handmade paper diary was full of doodles,colors, ink of various shades, words that defined her thoughts in that moment, and almost every page had a cycle wheel, a boat and a candle. Her constants. She sipped on her black coffee in her tall starbucks mug and looked at the stars from her window. The breeze blew gently on her face and that moment was deja vu. Almost eight years have passed. She was in her early twenties, finishing grad school. Dreaming with her big intense eyes to leave a mark upon the world, with a list of plans all chalked out, ready to face the world with her might, and that list she holds today with most things ticked, a few names now scratched. What role did these names play in her life? If they were not meant to stay, why did they even show up? She knew the answers to all her questions and yet she couldn’t refrain from asking, from thinking about them. How words once said, and actions taken without thinking of the consequences can make you lose what you would regret for the rest of your life. Some relationships are eternal, the ones that will always have your back no matter how much you mess up. Some fragile, the ones that look super strong but eventually wither away with the test of time. And some ugly, the ones you mess up as fuck. And these are the ones that affect you the most. When karma acts as a bitch, and you get back what you gave to the universe, is when you realise what a fool you were, to screw up the way you did and that now there’s no going back. When you want to apologize and you can’t find the courage to stand up and admit. When you do apologize, get heard, talk things over and still find yourself thinking about the past. When you realize that what will really give you closure is when you are able to forgive yourself.
Her head was buzzing with imaginary conversations she had with herself a million times, playing out both sides. Trying to put words in her head for whenever she may have this conversation. She was seeking support of her own thoughts and the caffeine seemingly soothed her racing nerves. Two years back in time, she was caught up in the exact same thoughts, and she chose to act upon them. She invited the most difficult conversation she had, had in a really really long time, and apologized for the promises she broke and the way she had walked away. She was forgiven then, and she had no reason to worry . Her demons were resting in peace. Yet, the last couple of months had brought the demons back. And every change in life took her back to karma. She knows she is yet to complete that full circle in her head,when she can finally let go off her demons and get through life without feeling guilty of what she did years back. When she can use that experience to build on relationships of her present, when she can look back and tell herself she isn’t a bad person after all, that she cares. Always has, always will. The coffee mug is now empty, a few last pages in the diary about to be written on. The calendar hangs on the wall, fluttering its pages in the breeze. She knows where her peace lies, she knows she wants to try, she knows how to get there, she picks up her phone and sends a text, ”Thinking about you”.
– Charmi Gada
20th August 2018
Picture Location: Gyandhura, Uttarakhand 
SOULTIME 