She floated on the shimmering aqua blue waters surrounding the island. The sun was shining bright, up in the morning sky, as if telling her he was there, watching, giving her company and the winds that blew upto to her face ,kissing her lips gently and the water holding her afloat as if she was a piece of wood, dancing to the tunes of the waves in symphony with the string of the thoughts in her head. She was slowly feeling how peaceful it was to let go. To let her mind switch off and be in that innermost circle of herself, conscious and even more aware of what’s happening to her heart and body.
As the waves did their job and swayed her in a different direction each time, she knew it must feel exactly like this to not be in charge all the time and giving up control that gave her the comfort she thought it did, was only a constant trigger to all the headaches that precipitated for so many nights in the past few years. She thought of the moment that led her here and how she vulnerable and weak she felt in that moment. She had been so clear in her choices and motivated to make it big in her own perfect sense, and how hard it was to put every ounce of her energy to bounce back with the same zeal every time she experienced a knockout. She wished she could give it all up. She wished she could muster enough will to get away and come back, or not. She wished to sail, and look at the mountains, and sleep under the starry sky, and eat when she felt hungry and wander when she had the whole day to herself. She grew up reading about people who were wanderers in thought and in action, who took charge of their lives and did only what they believed in without faltering. In her heart she could feel the ache when she had to keep her wings curled and the happiness that would soar when she grabbed her opportunities to fly.
The sun was beginning to get warmer and her swaying was getting more comfortable. Her eyes were closed and in her mind she could see the glimpses of every important piece of her life and what it did to her. She smiled when she saw a much younger her, picturing a perfect life that she hoped to live and the time she spent in making it a reality. How her family and friends stood by her in times of thick and thin irrespective of whether they were in agreement with her choice or not. She sensed the water accommodating her as she was and a wave of gratitude surged inside her chest. She felt grateful for the warmth and the support she received from them. She also remembered the times when she strived to balance the two very important sides of her life then. Often more than not, she was beginning to feel different about her connection with herself and others, and she couldn’t fathom why.
May be it’s a passing phase, there are things that happen to you when your body ages and mind doesn’t and coming to terms with that could be very painful. That’s what she thought it was about .By then she found herself feeling avulsed to social gatherings, and timely catching up on pals, she would spend the weekend at her apartment all by herself spending more time in the bath, reading in the tub with hot chocolate by her side all the time and cooking only when she felt like her tummy grumbled. She was so oddly at ease with this new adopted weekends with herself that it was pure bliss until she found herself answering questions which no longer made sense to her. She would go through her day at work like before but there something different about her demeanor. She could feel it. But she was not able to pin it down.
She began feeling a sense of restlessness that did not go away with sleep, sugar, or even alcohol. Everything seemed okay on the outside, but the insides did not match up. One night she lay awake in her bed, her thoughts consumed with fictional characters from the stories she read. There was one common factor in all stories she read, which was passion, be it for dance, country, partner, life, poetry. A driving force that refused to die irrespective of the challenges that the characters faced and she began to draw similarities and differences in those stories and hers. This moment that she was floating on water without moving or winking her eye, was so much like a story in itself to her.
It was exactly in this moment that she knew she had to read all the way to the last chapter to know what happened in the end! She had been doing this all the while and it was only now that it came to her awareness. This realization brought out a sense of relief and a layered calmness that touched her all over her body and head in form of waves, taking something from her and giving back much more!
In that moment she knew she had the strength to wait a little more longer to persue what she wholeheartedly desired, and she had the courage to give up stuff that didn’t excite her anymore and above all, she loved herself too much to let the happenings in life let her down.
The rest of the day was spent in the water and on the sand, looking at the seagulls in the distance, watching them take flight and flock together and rise to reach the sun!
– Charmi Gada
8th March 2017